Father's Day is a day I always miss Dad. He died in 2003, and it still has the power bring me to tears. I tried to spend a little time alone this morning, but within 10 minutes Isaiah had come out twice, Annalisa had knocked on her window twice, and all ability to enjoy some time alone was gone. I probably did the same thing to him when I was little.
Otherwise, I am trying to get myself centered to facilitate the retreat for Vets of Iran and Afghanistan beginning Wednesday. I have to work both Monday and Tuesday, so Wednesday morning will be for packing and beginning the journey. I am looking forward to getting there.
I am sad that I will not be with Isaiah at his grandmother's funeral. I know Virgil will take care of him, but I want to be there holding him. I have been with him through all his life at every major event. I can call him, but it is just not the same.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
What a few days. Carolyn Cruse, Isaiah's grandmother, my husband's ex, and my friend, died Monday morning at 6:30 a.m. Candace called us in a panic, paramedics had just arrived and although she hoped not, she knew her Mom was dead.
Carolyn, Virgil and I raised Isaiah together for many years. It was a long, painful, and litigeous road, but in the end, we werre friends and truly cared about one another. Last summer she spent most of the time in a and out of the hospital with respiratory problems, dying and being resuscitated several times. We spoke of a dream she had in which she visited all her children, and being assured that they would be ok, was ready to die, and then saw Isaiah in the path blocking her way. He said he wasn't ready for her to go. So she stayed. She said that she felt incredible love and a sense of well being, and after the dream she was not afraid of death.
So she soldiered on, and we became friends. I would call her, we discussed how frightening it was to rely on a tube for breathing, and she asked to speak to me when her most recent MD told her she would never be able to take it. I'd take the kids over, and we would smile and laugh at them. Isaiah worried about her. I was alone with him when I told him she had died. He wailed and sobbed and I just held him. He told me he felt like all the happiness had gone out of his life, and everything was sad. I just held him - a boy who has lost so much already.
As the relatives began to arrive, I just made myself useful. Made a pasta chicken salad the first day so there was something to eat, chilled it, water, soda. I asked what people needed and kept busy. On one occasion today, I felt her laughing down at the chaos.
Now I feel overwhelmed. Too many people, too much dysfunction, too much noise. I need to work tomorrow, do a retreat next week, get charged for it all. Too many energy vampires. Isaiah knows he can rely on me, I told him if he needed time away,he could ask. Right now everyone is at his grandma's house and he is feeling like his home has been invaded. The loss will sink in when everyone is gone, and he and his Mom are alone there. I will be there for him.
Carolyn, Virgil and I raised Isaiah together for many years. It was a long, painful, and litigeous road, but in the end, we werre friends and truly cared about one another. Last summer she spent most of the time in a and out of the hospital with respiratory problems, dying and being resuscitated several times. We spoke of a dream she had in which she visited all her children, and being assured that they would be ok, was ready to die, and then saw Isaiah in the path blocking her way. He said he wasn't ready for her to go. So she stayed. She said that she felt incredible love and a sense of well being, and after the dream she was not afraid of death.
So she soldiered on, and we became friends. I would call her, we discussed how frightening it was to rely on a tube for breathing, and she asked to speak to me when her most recent MD told her she would never be able to take it. I'd take the kids over, and we would smile and laugh at them. Isaiah worried about her. I was alone with him when I told him she had died. He wailed and sobbed and I just held him. He told me he felt like all the happiness had gone out of his life, and everything was sad. I just held him - a boy who has lost so much already.
As the relatives began to arrive, I just made myself useful. Made a pasta chicken salad the first day so there was something to eat, chilled it, water, soda. I asked what people needed and kept busy. On one occasion today, I felt her laughing down at the chaos.
Now I feel overwhelmed. Too many people, too much dysfunction, too much noise. I need to work tomorrow, do a retreat next week, get charged for it all. Too many energy vampires. Isaiah knows he can rely on me, I told him if he needed time away,he could ask. Right now everyone is at his grandma's house and he is feeling like his home has been invaded. The loss will sink in when everyone is gone, and he and his Mom are alone there. I will be there for him.
Friday, June 11, 2010
I will be leaving for the Coming Home Project retreat that I am co-facilitating on June 22nd. Yesterday we had a phone conference with all the facilitators. I am so strongly drawn to this work, for some reason. We will be leading a 5 day retreat with veterans, some still in the military, and spouses and children. It is designed to help them reintegrate into society - and develop some relaxation and coping skills. Leaders are therapists, other vets, spouses. Some are Vietnam vets that have done some healing and want to help others.
I am confident in my group skills. I have done almost as much group as I have individuals. I am eagert to get there, meet the others, and get rolling. One of the perks is that we are encouraged to use our coping skills frequently. They offer meditation, QI Gong, and often Yoga. I don't get to do any of this as often as I would like, so it provides somewhat of a retreat for me too. Plus being around others who believe in the way I do - that we are multifaceted human beings and we need to be healed body, mind and soul.
I am confident in my group skills. I have done almost as much group as I have individuals. I am eagert to get there, meet the others, and get rolling. One of the perks is that we are encouraged to use our coping skills frequently. They offer meditation, QI Gong, and often Yoga. I don't get to do any of this as often as I would like, so it provides somewhat of a retreat for me too. Plus being around others who believe in the way I do - that we are multifaceted human beings and we need to be healed body, mind and soul.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I have mentioned the hawks that come every spring to nest, and then head up to the mountains for the summer. Now we have either falcons or Kestrals or some other bird of prey that frequently sit in the pine tree in our front yard. They are noisy little things! My attention is drawn to them because it has been in the 90's and I've been in the pool for the last few days, and I can see the tip of the tree from there.
The dogs are delighted. We have gotten their pool out so that they can wade and drink. Spenser spent yesterday playing in it. Conner, our Lab, might wade in it once in a while but he is the only water dog in history who does not like water! He disappears when the hose comes out. Good thing his is such a sweetie.
I haven't spoken of the death of Coach John Wooden here. I became familiar with Coach when I married Virgil, and have admired him since. I've read his books and especially like the book "Wooden On Leadership" his pyramid is a map for life. If I could follow it completely, I would be a better person. I have done management trainings based on it, and it was always well received. His incredible love for the men he was coaching was transcendent. Thank you coach, for all you gave the world. Relax, and enjoy being back with Nell.
The dogs are delighted. We have gotten their pool out so that they can wade and drink. Spenser spent yesterday playing in it. Conner, our Lab, might wade in it once in a while but he is the only water dog in history who does not like water! He disappears when the hose comes out. Good thing his is such a sweetie.
I haven't spoken of the death of Coach John Wooden here. I became familiar with Coach when I married Virgil, and have admired him since. I've read his books and especially like the book "Wooden On Leadership" his pyramid is a map for life. If I could follow it completely, I would be a better person. I have done management trainings based on it, and it was always well received. His incredible love for the men he was coaching was transcendent. Thank you coach, for all you gave the world. Relax, and enjoy being back with Nell.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Another art form that I practise is Zentangle. The Zentangle® art form and method was created by Rick Roberts and Maria Thomas. Zentangle® is a registered trademark of Zentangle, Inc.
This technique is relaxing, and easy. It is composed of deliberate designs drawn by pen and ink, usually on watercolor paper. It is meditative as it requires concentration and following patterns. It's creative, because the assemblage of the patterns has almost endless possibilities. Surfaces upon which to place zentangles are also endless. Right now I am working on a pair of tennis shoes. I aspire to create wall murals. I will post photos of my own work soon, but for now, enjoy the slideshow of other's works.
My thoughts are a little scattered, and who knows what will come out here. Let's begin with the fact that I am a Pagan. My beliefs are earth-based, much in line with the Plains Indians. I believe everything is alive, even things we don't usually think of as alive. Stones, animals, the stars, trees all have a great wisdom to teach us if we respect them and give them time and attention.
This belief has been hard to define or describe before I began to research belief systems. Then I knew the name of what I believed, and could pursue further descriptions. This has been liberating. First, I found that there were many others who believed as I do, and though I don't belong to a group, I find blogs and websites helpful.
I have been reading John Muir - next to Thoreau, he is joyous and so appreciative of nature that he speaks to me across time. I also love Barry Lopez, who is a brilliant writer as well as nature lover. I often cannot express the joy, wonder and humility I experience when I take the time to experience the natural world. I don't always have to leave the city, we have two Hawks who return every spring to our neighborhood and raise their young before they retblend of urn to the mountains to avoid the heat. We also have parrots in our neighborhood. They are a breed specific to our area and are believed to be descendents of hardy domestic birds that were let go or got out of cages. I see and hear them every evening as they come home to roost. Most of these things are not noticed by others. I draw my children's attention to them, and pass on this awareness that I got from my father, and he from his.
This belief has been hard to define or describe before I began to research belief systems. Then I knew the name of what I believed, and could pursue further descriptions. This has been liberating. First, I found that there were many others who believed as I do, and though I don't belong to a group, I find blogs and websites helpful.
I have been reading John Muir - next to Thoreau, he is joyous and so appreciative of nature that he speaks to me across time. I also love Barry Lopez, who is a brilliant writer as well as nature lover. I often cannot express the joy, wonder and humility I experience when I take the time to experience the natural world. I don't always have to leave the city, we have two Hawks who return every spring to our neighborhood and raise their young before they retblend of urn to the mountains to avoid the heat. We also have parrots in our neighborhood. They are a breed specific to our area and are believed to be descendents of hardy domestic birds that were let go or got out of cages. I see and hear them every evening as they come home to roost. Most of these things are not noticed by others. I draw my children's attention to them, and pass on this awareness that I got from my father, and he from his.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I am reading a book on forgiveness. Spcifically, "The Challenge of Forgiveness as Faced by
Victims of Betrayal and Abuse". It was written by a friend of mine, Robert Grant and I helped with some editing and we had discussions about it while he was writing it. Sometimes long discussions. He asks the question "what is required of us in terms of forgiveness?" and then goes through several belief systems and their opinions on forgiveness. Interesting background stuff.
But the meat of it is how do we forgive those who do horrible things to us, and do we have to forgive to heal? Abuse survivors, having experienced how terrible people can be to each other, forever have a knowledge most people deny or don't think about. This sets them apart from our culture - they have eaten of the tree of knowledge and they cannot go back to unknowing. This is the realm of shamans, healers and visionaries in more primitive cultures. That knowedge was recognized as special and more complete than the ordinary man or woman.
Once a person can transform that knowledge into a growth experience, and not everyone can, then they can use that knowledge to understand that terrible things happened to those who abuse, and their repeating that behavior is a way they can process it. But that alone is not necessarily enough to forgive. We are responsible for our actions after all. This is all very interesting to me. I work with people that have been traumatized, some in very brutal ways that are not exactly dinner table conversation. What can I tell them about forgiveness?
Simon Weisenthal said "Forgetting is something that time takes care of but forgiveness is an act of volition and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision."
more on this later...
Victims of Betrayal and Abuse". It was written by a friend of mine, Robert Grant and I helped with some editing and we had discussions about it while he was writing it. Sometimes long discussions. He asks the question "what is required of us in terms of forgiveness?" and then goes through several belief systems and their opinions on forgiveness. Interesting background stuff.
But the meat of it is how do we forgive those who do horrible things to us, and do we have to forgive to heal? Abuse survivors, having experienced how terrible people can be to each other, forever have a knowledge most people deny or don't think about. This sets them apart from our culture - they have eaten of the tree of knowledge and they cannot go back to unknowing. This is the realm of shamans, healers and visionaries in more primitive cultures. That knowedge was recognized as special and more complete than the ordinary man or woman.
Once a person can transform that knowledge into a growth experience, and not everyone can, then they can use that knowledge to understand that terrible things happened to those who abuse, and their repeating that behavior is a way they can process it. But that alone is not necessarily enough to forgive. We are responsible for our actions after all. This is all very interesting to me. I work with people that have been traumatized, some in very brutal ways that are not exactly dinner table conversation. What can I tell them about forgiveness?
Simon Weisenthal said "Forgetting is something that time takes care of but forgiveness is an act of volition and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision."
more on this later...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My Daughter
As we sat in the living room, absorbed by the Laker game, our daughter walked through the living room, one arm akimbo ala fin, and rolling her eyes exclaimed, "I'm a shark." She turned and walked through the other way with the same pose swinging her head from side to side, and headed to her bedroom. We are treated to these scenes a few times a day. We swear she is a fairy or a nymph come down to our family to keep us from taking ourselves too seriously!
Serendipity
The serendipitous part of the day was twofold. I met another homeschool mom whose daughter is in gymnastics with my daughter. As we spoke I found out that she was a dietician specializing in diabetes and weight loss surgery. I mentioned I was a Marriage and Family Therapist, and she said "I've been looking for a good therapist to see some of my Patients" She explained that some people come in for weight loss surgery 2 or 3 times and said "they have more going on than surgery can fix." We talked about how to talk to someone about therapy without offending them, and I left her 5 business cards.
Then, we had a Notary over to witness some signatures and when I told her what I did, she was thrilled. She said she had been looking for a therapist for her daughter, and is going to call me when she finds out when she can come in. So, I keep putting the word out to the universe, and I keep getting answered. Amazing.
Poetry
I have also been reading my brothers' third book of poetry. I love his verse, and yet haven't spoken to him in years. I miss him, and must make a point to write him. There is a poem about my Dad's death - he was there along with my younger brother when they disconnected the respirator and he died. My mother claimed that she couldn't be there (which I will also write about someday), and I would have killed to be there, but was 8 months pregnant with Annalisa and my OB said no way.
I will share some poetry one of these days - have some in the works and would like comments. So, I sign off for now.
As we sat in the living room, absorbed by the Laker game, our daughter walked through the living room, one arm akimbo ala fin, and rolling her eyes exclaimed, "I'm a shark." She turned and walked through the other way with the same pose swinging her head from side to side, and headed to her bedroom. We are treated to these scenes a few times a day. We swear she is a fairy or a nymph come down to our family to keep us from taking ourselves too seriously!
Serendipity
The serendipitous part of the day was twofold. I met another homeschool mom whose daughter is in gymnastics with my daughter. As we spoke I found out that she was a dietician specializing in diabetes and weight loss surgery. I mentioned I was a Marriage and Family Therapist, and she said "I've been looking for a good therapist to see some of my Patients" She explained that some people come in for weight loss surgery 2 or 3 times and said "they have more going on than surgery can fix." We talked about how to talk to someone about therapy without offending them, and I left her 5 business cards.
Then, we had a Notary over to witness some signatures and when I told her what I did, she was thrilled. She said she had been looking for a therapist for her daughter, and is going to call me when she finds out when she can come in. So, I keep putting the word out to the universe, and I keep getting answered. Amazing.
Poetry
I have also been reading my brothers' third book of poetry. I love his verse, and yet haven't spoken to him in years. I miss him, and must make a point to write him. There is a poem about my Dad's death - he was there along with my younger brother when they disconnected the respirator and he died. My mother claimed that she couldn't be there (which I will also write about someday), and I would have killed to be there, but was 8 months pregnant with Annalisa and my OB said no way.
I will share some poetry one of these days - have some in the works and would like comments. So, I sign off for now.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Spent the day working, and considering the great cruelty humans perpetrate upon one another. Abused kids are hard to see, but had a breakthrough in trust with one today. The Rewards are tremendous.
As far as Art goes... made some Jewelry over the weekend in preparation for a sale I am having the first weekend in June. I try to make enough money to allow me to continue to buy supplies, and continue creating. I can assure people they will not find anything like mine elsewhere! I work priimarily in glass and sliver.I also plan to do some more polymer clay beads. I am trying to clean out our walk in closet to make it into a Polymer Clay studio. My studio attached to the garage (that my wonderful husband, Virgil made for me) is too dusty for clay, but good for my mixed media stuff and beadwork. Out there, the dogs lay by my feet and the music can be loud. Doesn't get much better than that! The kids tend to interrupt me less there and time passes without knowing it. In the zone of creativity.
Isaiah (my son) have been in conflict more than usual lately. I found myself having little patience with him, and I think he has been jealous of the attention his sister got last week when she was ill. Today, he apologized for acting like he had been, and I was able to affirm that I would have more patient. The beauty of being able to be honest with feelings, and admit you are wrong even with your kids is so healthy. Too bad we have to get there before we can agree. We can keep trying.
So, these are the rambling of the Cruse Muse today.
As far as Art goes... made some Jewelry over the weekend in preparation for a sale I am having the first weekend in June. I try to make enough money to allow me to continue to buy supplies, and continue creating. I can assure people they will not find anything like mine elsewhere! I work priimarily in glass and sliver.I also plan to do some more polymer clay beads. I am trying to clean out our walk in closet to make it into a Polymer Clay studio. My studio attached to the garage (that my wonderful husband, Virgil made for me) is too dusty for clay, but good for my mixed media stuff and beadwork. Out there, the dogs lay by my feet and the music can be loud. Doesn't get much better than that! The kids tend to interrupt me less there and time passes without knowing it. In the zone of creativity.
Isaiah (my son) have been in conflict more than usual lately. I found myself having little patience with him, and I think he has been jealous of the attention his sister got last week when she was ill. Today, he apologized for acting like he had been, and I was able to affirm that I would have more patient. The beauty of being able to be honest with feelings, and admit you are wrong even with your kids is so healthy. Too bad we have to get there before we can agree. We can keep trying.
So, these are the rambling of the Cruse Muse today.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My first blog! I want to use this blog to explore and examine my art, myself, and homeschooling. We are nearly finished with the first year of homeschool. Overall, it has been a sucess. Isaiah just to the state achievement tests and is quite a bit better than last year. They are both thriving - they are curious and motivated, and enjoy having the world as their classroom. Our independent study consisted of: Elephant Seals on the central coast and their birthing process. We actually saw some that were just born. We will go again to see other aspects of Elephant Seal life. When we got home they each had to find 3 facts about Elephant seals on the internet. What a cool way to learn. We also went out to the Feline Breeding Compound in Rosamond to see the rare big cats of the world. Where else can you see panthers, mountain lions, snow leopards, and many other big cats? All of these aniimals are endangered.
I will be facilitating a Coming Home Project Retreat in San Diego at the end of June. This is a dream come true, as I have been passionate about working with vets of Iraq and Afghanistan, and the incredible trauma they suffer. The government has not nearly kept up with the need and so non profits have stepped in. This is a particularly good group who work holistically with vets and their families to integrate them back into the community through support groups, recreational activities, and art. I can't wait.
I will be facilitating a Coming Home Project Retreat in San Diego at the end of June. This is a dream come true, as I have been passionate about working with vets of Iraq and Afghanistan, and the incredible trauma they suffer. The government has not nearly kept up with the need and so non profits have stepped in. This is a particularly good group who work holistically with vets and their families to integrate them back into the community through support groups, recreational activities, and art. I can't wait.
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